You're 'avin a larf

Safe Cracker

Four different digits 1-9 are required to open a safe.
From the clues below, can you find the right four-digit combination?

(1) The second number is three less than the fourth.
(2) The middle two numbers total nine.
(3) The third number is one less than the first.
(4) The second number is even.
(5) The first number is greater than the fourth

PM me if you like, but please don't post the answer and spoil it for others - thanks.
I'll post the answer in a few days.
 
A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving His Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
 
Safe Cracker

Four different digits 1-9 are required to open a safe.
From the clues below, can you find the right four-digit combination?

(1) The second number is three less than the fourth.
(2) The middle two numbers total nine.
(3) The third number is one less than the first.
(4) The second number is even.
(5) The first number is greater than the fourth

PM me if you like, but please don't post the answer and spoil it for others - thanks.
I'll post the answer in a few days.

Full Member's got it already (y)
 
Answer to 'Safe Combination' 8275

They met at the OAP singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off
 
A man had been a totally selfless person all his life, helping others, harming nobody, and generally acting like a living saint. God, who had been watching him, decided to make himself known and reward him. he appeared to the man, and offered to grant him one wish as a reward for his endeavours. The man said, "God, I,d really like a tarmac road across Africa, so that aid could be transported easily, tourism would flourish, and families could be reunited. God had a think, and said to the man, "Crikey, can you imagine that, we'd have to strengthen the sand, flatten mountains, bridge rivers, pacify governments etc,.....its a bit much, could,nt you go for something else?? The man then thought for a bit, and said "OK, ive got a Kontiki Motorhome, but it leaks a bit, could you stop it".........To which God said, "Will that be one lane or two?"
 
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"














After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."​
 
A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court" says the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" Says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
 
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
 
NASA and the Navajohttp://sendy.ajokeaday.com/l/j751WrHww892HqKZdUghGDtA/1hzP3p70ziezuwo3JMl2DQ/FHu1zNSBk2wjjxBSwHQw2g
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these guys! They've come to steal your land.
 
Q: What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
 
El Computadorhttp://sendy.ajokeaday.com/l/j751Wr...VjlnJH26oXmveuNk2B5g/eVmu7636eDRbqP9Hl1FaHMVg
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
 
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
 
"I’m getting a divorce," said Jack to his mate, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months."
Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says:


"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ...

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box Edina"

;) ;)
 

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