Jokes

Pudsey Bear

Pudsey Bear

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John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “That's the last thing I need."

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.

A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case
 
POSTAL BOWEL SCREENING
(A crapping good yarn)


I was crouching over the toilet bowl

Attempting to catch a poo

When the bloody phone began to ring

“Your PPI check’s due”

Keep the excrement out of the water

Says the leaflet in the kit

So this is where life's brought me

I’m a lifeguard for a sh_t

It shows in little pictograms

How to save your little motion

But squatting, pooping, catching

That needs physical devotion

Now I'm not averse to healthcare

I'm a switched on modern chap

But I imagined healthy exercise

Not poking about in cr_p

So with my favoured method

To keep the body waste from damp

I hover there expectantly

And my bloody leg takes cramp

But that's it done and dusted

I hope the results are clear

And I live to defecate again

In the postbox in two years.
 
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The fighter jet's pilot slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.
Dedicated to all my nearly senior friends ~ it’s time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip.
 
Did you know it's against the rules to have sex in Iceland whilst intoxicated?
I'm not sure of the rules in Tesco, Asda, Sainsburys or Waitrose though.
 
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.


Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big b*****s and wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.


Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
 
Pudsey Bear said:
View attachment 77300
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Unemployed man in Norfolk replies to a job advert for a Turkey Worker. When he gets to the interview, the employer starts by saying that the job title is slightly wrong (intentionally), because of the advertising rules.

'We're actually looking for a Turkey Wanchor,' continues the interviewer, 'because the turkeys seem to sense what will happen over Xmas, and become hornier and hornier, leading to fights and injuries, or even death, which could ruin the business. Do you still want the job?'

The unemployed man is desperate for work, so agrees to start work the following morning. He opens the holding pen barn door, and the largest Turkey he has ever seen strides over the birds in his way, and croaks, 'Gobble, gobble, gobble!' at the man.

Completely unfazed, the man replies assertively, '1. Don't be so demanding; 2. Wait your turn; and 3. You'll have to make do with a (rhyming slang), Bank like everybody else ...' 😁

Steve
 
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