One for the Scots amongst us

The Christmas Fairy.

Am coury’in ‘neath an auld tin pail
In the midden by the Byre
Am fine an warm an toastie
Wi a drammie an a fire
Ave burnt yon gypit nightie
An trashed yon angel wings
An ye’ll nae catch me up a Christmas tree
As lang’s cock robin sings
I was born a free range fairy
On the slopes o Benachie
Fit auld folk cry-it a brownie
Or a kinfolk o the she
I grew up under the heather
And drank the morning dew
And worked the kind o magic
That little people do
I’d mak a quinie fa in love
Wi a laddie at the skweel
Or mak a fermer rue the day
He swickit on a deal
His ewes wid a’ lie coupit
His cows wid a’ ging dry
Hi tatties a’ be blighted
An his prize bull up an die
See, being a Scottish fairy
Is nae fit maist fowk think
We’re nae yon shilpit craters
Dressed up in mauve or pink
Blinin folk wi fairy dust
Needin Bairn’s tae clap their hands
An flappin little fairy wings
Tae flit ower fairy lands. Na na
Scottish fairies are just wee teuchters
As teuch as aul shoe leather
Dressed up in moleskin jaikits
An oot in every weather
Their breeks are made o hodden grey
Their caps o conker shells
An the tackety beets on their fairy feet
Are made o Scots bluebells
Now , ye’ll never see a fairy
Ye’ll never catch a sniff
For if a human sees a fairy
The fairy fa’s doon stiff
Nae deed as such, jist frozen
It canna blink an ee
So a fairy’s gie attentive
When theirs humans on the spree
Or I should hae been, gouk that I am
I was caught twa year ago
In a dwam, a’hint the dairy
Fan a little lassie cried
“Oh look Mum, there’s a fairy”
WHAM !! Ah had nae time tae rue ma folly
As her mother picked me up an’ said
“Oh, someone’s lost their dolly”
Dolly ? Ah was black afrontit
They stripped me o’ ma Nicky tams
An, syne doubt, ah sorts o’ things
Then dressed me in a nighty
An’ geid me angels wings
But the worst humiliation
Losh, it fairly made me loup
Was fan they took a jaggy Christmas tree
An jammed it up ma doup
Twa Christmases a’ve spent like that
A’ dignity was lost
A Norman Pine whar the sun don’t shine
My eyes watery an’ crossed !
Ah’d be there yet I warrant
Trapped in fairy hell
If it wasnae fur a pussy cat
An’ a ginger dug cried Bell
Ae day the cat an dug were fechtin’
Racin’ Roon’ the room
Fan they clatter aff the Christmas tree
An’ brocht the hale thing doon
A wheen o’ Christmas baubles fell
An’ shattert on the hearth
An ah flew Stracht oot the windae
An’ landed on the earth
Fan err ah touched the morning dew
It broke the magic spell
An ah gethert up ma nightie
An ran like merry hell
Noo I’m safe a’neath this bucket
An ah’l nae come oot till dark
An’ as for Merry Christmas?
Well ye can stuff that for a lark.

Merry Christmas everyone.
 
Think it's called Pet shopping!
 
Scotland’s Haggis Winter Olympic Bobsleigh Team have taken full advantage of the first proper snowfall of 2026, heading deep into the Highlands for their inaugural training session.

The squad is made up entirely of the sons of the legendary 1988 Scottish Bobsleigh Team, whose unlikely journey to sporting fame was later dramatised in the 1993 cult classic Haggis Runnings, Despite drunkenly crashing towards the end of the circuit.

Raised on stories of frozen tracks, questionable funding, and pushing heavy sleds uphill because there was no ice yet, the new generation insist this moment has been “a long time coming”.

Training footage shows the team refining their starts, debating steering techniques, and repeatedly stopping to ask if anyone brought the flask, all under the watchful eye of their fathers, who maintain that “this was exactly how we prepared back then, although we were a tad drunker."

The team will now enter the international qualification circuit with hopes of securing a place at the 2026 Winter Olympics in Italy, where they aim to do what has never been done before, bring bobsleigh gold back to Scotland.

Officials remain cautiously optimistic, noting that while the sled is faster, the technology more advanced, and the athletes better prepared… the alcohol is still flowing in this generation of haggis.Screenshot_20260109_213606_Facebook.jpg
 
Last edited:
Another of Scotland’s more unconventional sporting outfits preparing for the 2026 Winter Olympics in Italy is the Mighty Haggs, a full contact, whisky fueled ice hockey team made up entirely of native Highland haggis.

Inspired by the hard hitting success of previous haggis generations, the current squad have their sights firmly set on gold, combining a low centre of gravity, alarming acceleration, and a natural resistance to cold that most mammals would consider excessive. However, officials have confirmed the team can only skate anti clockwise around the rink, a long documented anatomical issue the Haggs insist is “being managed tactically”.

Adding further intrigue to the campaign is the return of original Mighty Haggs coach Gordon McBombay, who has come out of a 34-year retirement to lead the team once again from the sidelines.

His comeback has divided the haggis community, with many questioning whether a coach whose last tactical era pre dated video analysis, lightweight sticks and fully clockwise skating can truly prepare a modern Mighty Haggs side for Olympic level competition.

McBombay has dismissed the criticism, insisting that while the sport may have changed, ice is still ice, sticks are still sticks, whisky is still whisky and shouting remains a perfectly valid coaching method.

With the Mighty Haggs now deep into their Olympic preparations, expectations remain cautiously optimistic. Whether experience, tradition and an unwavering commitment to skating anti clockwise will be enough to secure gold in Italy remains to be seen, but Scotland will be watching.

Officials have confirmed no rules currently prevent anti clockwise only skating, provided it is disclosed in advance and nobody asks too many questions.Screenshot_20260110_155241_Facebook.jpg
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Users who viewed this discussion (Total:28)

Back
Top