The Death of Nelson...... Updated History.

[Pauljenny]

The Death of Nelson...... Updated History.




Subject: Fwd: Fw: Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar

Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."




Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."




Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"




Hardy: "Sorry sir?"




Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"




Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the



devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."




Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."




Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."




Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."




Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."




Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."




Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."




Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."




Nelson: "What?"




Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and
they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."




Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."




Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."




Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."




Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."




Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."




Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."







Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."




Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"




Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."




Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."




Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"




Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."




Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"




Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."




Nelson: "We're not?"




Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."




Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."




Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."




Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."




Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"




Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"




Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."




Nelson: "What about sodomy?"




Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case. . . . . . Kiss me !







​

 

[Pudsey Bear]

Simply brilliant, thanks.

 

[Carrerasax]

Nelson’a blood beer is good too, had it in Sydney once!!!!

 

[Kyran]

if you ever visit the victory you can see where Nelson fell . and I'm not surprised theres a lump of wood stuck there, I nearly fell over it myself