You're 'avin a larf

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent "we can't allow animals in the theatre."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theatre.
He sat down next to two old widows named mildred and marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge?
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge.. "at our age we've seen 'em all"
"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"
 
The Dog's Party

The dogs all had a party
They came from near and far
Some dogs came by taxi
And some dogs came by car.

Each dog signed his name
Upon a special book,
And each dog hung his tail
Upon a special hook.

One dog was not invitied
And this aroused his ire,
He stormed into the party
And loudly shouted "FIRE!!"

In the scene that followed
The dogs forgot to look,
And grabbed just any tail
From off any hook.

So that is the real reason
Whenever they meet or roam,
They sniff each others tails
To try and find their own!

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Theatre Seats For Seniors

An old man lay reclined across three seats in the movie theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man mumbled something but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up,, I'm going to have to call the manager."
This time, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he returned with the manager.
Together, the two of them tried a number of times to move the disheveled old man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The Police officer surveyed the situation briefly and asked, "All right then, sir, what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Thank you, Fred. Now, where are you from?" asked the policeman.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred moaned, "The balcony..."
 
Paddy said to Mick "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow".
Mick says "I had that done when I was just a few days old".
Paddy asks "Does it hurt?"
Mick says "Well I couldn't walk for 18 months"
 
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house....

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
 
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says. "This is phenomenal; you've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers".

"Hang on," the man says. "All I need to do is take two aspirins, they stop me winking!"...
"Really" says the interviewer? "Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country."
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a chemists, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
 
Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
'We have many suites', then the clerk winked,
'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
'Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
 
When we were at our daughters t'other day, I asked if I could have a newspaper. "A newspaper!" she exclaimed "get up to date, use the iPad."



Poor bloody fly didn't know what had hit him!


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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? 'Tarzan not know sex,' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said,' ....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her full on in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually gasping for air she screamed 'What the **** did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'
 
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'..........






"I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian"

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