You're 'avin a larf

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
 
Disorder in the Courthttp://sendy.ajokeaday.com/l/j751Wr...8onQjDafqCUBdiMzp2892Q/NHZJMIgtlQMhKjsP2BIXNQ
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food", the poor man replied.

"We have no choice. We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

They are over there, under that tree"

"Bring them along", the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir,I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well", the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
 
My mother in law came round this morning.

That's the last time I buy Chloroform from Lidl.
 
Father Donovan and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.

The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

Father Donovan says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."

"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun.

They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."

Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

Father Donovan says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."

Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly:

"Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."

"You're right," says Father Donovan.

"Get your own bloody blankets."
 
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'


The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got up to £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as
your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'


The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, 'you need to decide how many inches you want.

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inches before and you decide only to invest in a five inches now, she might be a bit disappointed.

So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the chap.

'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

'Yes, she has' he says.

'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.
 
The Irishman is making love to Jewish girl & says, 'Well, you're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says, 'Well, you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
 
A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!!
 
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down, the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes
to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
 
Two businessmen in the centre of Weybridge Surrey were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened, new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,

"Must be doing well... Only two left."
 
Shamelessly knicked.
 
Weybridge eh, how I remember the ship inn there from my youth :)
 
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, s**t mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f***ing Coco Pops'
 
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend fishing and drinking with the boys, and spent all his wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was harranged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin'
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me Nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket's on
And fetch another beer......

Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it!!
 
Lie detector robot

A father buys a lie detector robot, that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Okay, okay. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Okay, okay, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother. ................................................................................................................. Robot for sale.
 
growing_up.jpg
 
Just got back from Blackpool, never again!
On the seafront I saw a guy and woman having a shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head and they started fighting.
Then a copper turned up, but instead of trying to calm things down he starts hitting the guy with his baton, in the end the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him AND his wife!

Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!.
 
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